Grace

today i will try again
to remember the good ole days
and how fleeting an ideology that is
i am a poor excuse for a lover
a son
a brother
a friend

but i do not exist
to be inherently good
or maliciously bad
i exist in a series of questions
only to find the answers
laid to waste in the death of the former "me"
and the resurrection of this new thing
that requires much of what i cannot give
but you take it anyway
and give back to me "yours"
and through your lens
the "bad lover, bad son, bad brother, bad friend"
looks perfect
once and for all
as through each new day
you dip pieces of my flesh
in your blood

Sleeping Pills

in the middle of the night
i will awake to heavy breath
and i will check my pulse
i will breathe deeply
i will rediscover the cold hard truths
that slumber has helped me to
briefly forget

in the wee hour of the morning
i will fight the good fight
i will completely forget the decades that have past
i will wage war on my former self
in hopes that someone
someday
will take me seriously

Thieves

like a thief
i came
to greet myself
with the mirror crack
and the imagery
of a man
a place
long forgotten
the solace
was there for a moment
my peace
at least
sits in pieces
right below the belt
with the selling of ourselves
in pale crisp days
that we sit and waste
and waste
and waste
until the eternal
the fucking ungrateful eternal
never returns the favor
of our leaping into
the fires of humanity
one last lie
one last time

Art is Hardly Worth It

to sacrifice everything
to create and re-create
and procreate
alone in this dark room
without you
is miserable

with this...
i cannot pay the bills
with this...
i cannot love you anymore
with this...
there is nothing to show

these days i love you more
than i love my need to...

make

There Are Lies That Live In The Rotten Caverns of My Heart and I Wish I Could Just Destroy Myself In My Sleep

when you come home
i will kiss you passionately
we will make love in our wedding bed
in order to forget
the things i must say to you
in the morning

Known/Unknown

ever since i was a boy
i wanted to be a hero
but now all my heroes
are either dead
or disappointing

at 25 i'm so belligerent with worry
and disgust at the life that is coming
and the reconciling of the mess i've made

i used to sleep in a gigantic bed
naked and all by myself
with whiskey and a nightmare
i was all alone
only hurting myself

community
is such an overrated posture
to have commonality
in one thing that is truly fleeting
to have commonality at all
is purely meaningless
and insulting to any sense of self

but when i meet my grave
i often wonder if i will be surprised
at the lack of cynicism
whilst stepping into the known/unknown

belligerent with calm
at the end of my lifelong storm
where i cursed the day i was born
and broke the heart of every person
i'd ever met
and lived this unabashedly selfish life

when i meet the grave...
whilst the heat is rising in my chest...
greatness...
or the...
known/unknown

Heroin Please

16 drugs
in 16 viles
i have to wonder...

which one will kill me
which one will make me sleep
and which one will keep me awake for days

and in the end the only safety i have
is the knowledge that death is coming
I'll take vile number 7 please

September

endangered by a void i could never fill
underneath the ground
yes the oceans now
are crashing into us
and i'm so somber
with the loneliness
and the keys to your car
and the driving
into the void
that i cannot feel

Your Brokenness

my heart is ripped open
is burnt to a crisp
waiting for the world
drink a bottle of glenlivet
and drive home

and i will kiss your cheek
i will reconcile our love
until it returns
to passion
and heartache
and lust
and fire

i will pick up this mess
and make it right
i will at last be
your love
the one you once knew
before i lept into the east
and dragged you west
with a deep sorrow in your heart
for accepting my requests
over and over again

my lover, my bride
the woman who should have said "no"
the woman who lived as my slave
as i pursued things like a prepubescent boy
you fed me
paid my rent
and was denied love completely
when you desired it so, so much

i am eternally grateful
i am eternally sorrowful
for your brokenness

2004-Present

yeah i read the letters
you were selling some melodramatic dream
if only to be eternally cliche
i say that it "spoke volumes"
about your heart
about your affection to me

the red head in indiana
will never throw her entire life away
to sacrificially give
as you endlessly take
and rape
and spoil
this soul of mine

it will all be toil
at least for a little while
you will pretend to be a scientist
a poet
a musician
a writer
but you are none of these things
you are eternally nothing

but i stand by your side
waiting for you to become
anything

waiting for to just
fucking love me

Marriage in the Key of Self

when we met
we were the same
now we don't even look the same way
i used to place my hand up your skirt
and you would let me finish what i started

now that what we started is almost completely finished
i think that we both agree
that in the end
we have never truly loved
anyone
but ourselves