Apathetic Asshole (You Are)

"i wish you cared more"

this is what someone says to me
in a bi-yearly sit down
after they've gotten to know me
they realize the pessimism isn't a ploy
to appear ironically/iconically cool

thing is, i do care
but the things i would die for
are not present
or if they are,
they are not
a cause
a record
a painting
an idea
a project
an injustice

it is this intangible
unchanging
infinitely loving
Christ

...and that's it.

Bukowski

i found Bukowski on the hot streets of Salt Lake City
when my world was on the cusp of dismantling itself

reading that kind of poetry
was like reading about my life
before/as it was unfolding
the real tangible evidence
of my own abandonment
made clear
in each messily constructed
sentence

i stole his books from the library
stacks and stacks of poetry
i read "Post Office" six times
as my father was passed out on the couch
of my one bedroom apartment

then the landlord would knock on the front door
and i wouldn't make a sound
until eventually, i hopped a greyhound bus
to california