When I Got the Call

when i got the call
at 3:23 am
my heart sunk
it had sunk deep before,
like when she broke up with me
the first, second and third times
we got hitched after the third time

this time my heart sank
into the depth
of a place that no longer exists
it pummeled through my spine
and, for at least a moment,
i could feel the wetness
of my blood and guts
on the black and white
marble tile in our
new kitchen

we had a fight
a big one
with "F" bombs
and "I hate yous"
and some "I hate you toos"
and a few, "I hope you never come backs"

she ran out the front door
with a middle finger in the air
she said, "i'm gonna fuck everything"
and i said "go ahead, fuck yourself while you're at it"

she had been gone for three days
when i got the call
i chalked up to her
shacking up with an old boyfriend
instead, the stranger on the other line
said, that she had taken her own life
after a long night at a bar
she was middle-aged by now
and no one wanted her
so she went back to
her studio apartment
and plunged a knife
deep into her chest

no note
no threat
just a bloody knife
and my dead bride
on her bed
alone
and without me

i dropped the phone
and cried for
12 hours straight
i fell asleep
i woke up dehydrated
and angry

the next few months
were pretty inconsequential
i drove around the country in my car
until all of our savings had run out

i ended up in The Dalles, Oregon
next to a river
with no more gas
no more food
no more irish malt whisky
just a broken down car
nothing left
and a free flowing river

i didn't jump in
but i wanted to
instead,
i walked up the highway
to a chicken farm
asked the owner if he needed
some labor help
he said, "yeah
it pays shit."
i said,
"i'll take it."

i worked there for
the next 25 years
until finally
my liver couldn't
hold the whisky anymore
i knew it was coming

i paid a homeless man
$300 to throw my
sorry ass into
the Deschutes river

i wanted to die
and he needed the cash
it all worked out in the end